One of the coolest things about Marvel’s Spider-Man is the wide selection of unlockable alternate skins. You can be just about every flavor of Spider-Man imaginable, including some so hideous I refuse to believe anyone will choose to use them. Feel free to prove me wrong, edgelords of the world who want Spider-Man to have a flaming skull head.
But none of these skins manage to utilize the most obvious and necessary alternate look for Spidey, one that’s already fully rendered within the game. I’m talking about a minor, nameless character you encounter during a story mission where Spider-Man infiltrates a costume party. Ladies, gentleman, and other, I present to you: fat, shirtless Spider-Man.
Look at him. This man is the perfect representation of exactly how I feel. I don’t just mean when I’m playing Spider-Man, either. At all times. I spent my whole childhood idolizing Peter Parker and hoping that someday I could grow up to be as cool as him. Now I have more attainable goals. I’ll never be Spider-Man, but I could be this dude tonight, provided I can find a quality Spider-Man mask on short notice.
Listen, Insomniac. I know that the Marvel suits can be pretty protective of their characters. Maybe they won’t give you the go-ahead to make this guy an unlockable skin for the real Spider-Man. Frankly, I think that’s ridiculous, because I distinctly remember playing the PS2 Spider-Man based on the first Sam Raimi movie and entering a cheat code so I could play as Mary Jane in a kimono, and then in the kissing scene she totally made out with herself. You’re telling me that autolesbianism was A-okay circa 2002 but a Spider-Man with a realistic, relatable body image is a step too far in 2018?
But whatever, let’s say they don’t want some chubby dude to have Spider-Man’s voice and powers. That’s fine. Make an alternate mode where all I can do is walk around as this guy. I’d be happy with that. It’d probably be my game of the year. Let me stand in Times Square and pretend I am making the least effort imaginable to charge tourists for photographs. Let me shoot the finger guns at passers-by and attempt to score a high-five only to have them recoil in horror and call the police.
Fat, shirtless Spider-Man is the hero I need and the hero I deserve. Do the right thing, Insomniac. You have all the power in this situation, and I think we both know what Uncle Ben would have to say about that.