Posted on November 24, 2012 AT 03:36pm
Twilight fans? If you’re reading this and haven’t seen the movie (then how can you call yourself a fan?), you should be warned. I’m going to destroy this god awful, mindless piece of garbage and I’m not holding back. I’m going to talk about details of the story and possibly spoil or ruin the film for you. SPOILERS FROM HERE ON OUT. Don’t care? Then proceed.
I hate to admit this, but Breaking Dawn Part 2 almost had me. The film is almost too absurd not to admire. Its story and plot points are so ridiculous that I was left bewildered at the end. It’s hard to believe Breaking Dawn Part 2 even exists, especially given its penchant for ripping off vampire heads and forcing the audience to believe in a love story with more pedophile filled tension than was already present in the Edward/Bella relationship. Putting aside the idea that Edward is over a hundred years old and that when he fell for Bella she was in her mid-to-early teens, Breaking Dawn Part 2 tries to convince us that it’s okay for Jacob to fall in love with a newborn baby on sight and that basically no one will have qualms with it. Do you understand what I just said? Let’s back up, in case you don’t.
Breaking Dawn Part 2 opens almost exactly after the last film ended. Bella has been turned into a vampire by the love of her life so that she might live through a brutal child birth involving her psychic baby, Renesmee. Jacob, a werewolf, imprints on Renesmee immediately after feeling a strong sense of devotion and protection over her. This imprinting was explained in previous films as Jacob thought he was madly in love with Bella. As it turns out, no, he was madly in love with her future offspring. This is glossed over in a matter of seconds and is some how never brought up again. Renesmee is, actually, a sort of super child. She is half human/half vampire and growing at an incredibly fast rate. That’s the excuse, I suppose. Renesmee will be an adult very quickly and because she’s a psychic and she’s intelligent, she will APPEAR to be the same age as Jacob so their love will be okay? I don’t know. I wish this was the crux of the film, but sadly there needs to be a bigger and more action-packed conflict.
A friend of the Cullen family discovers Renesmee and thinks that she is a child vampire, rather than half human. This news reaches the Volturi, a group of Italian vampire fops who hold their X-Men like powers over the vampire populace of planet earth, who now feel they must destroy this little girl. The Cullens gather a group of witnesses to see that the child is normal, and soon they have their own team of super powered vampires who swear “they’re just witnesses” and “won’t fight”. Seen the trailer? You know that’s crap…sort of.
This is where the film almost started to pull me in. These new vampires, from all over the world, are only ever explored on the very surface of their characters. Even still, they give better performances than anyone else has in the history of this franchise and are far more interesting. They even try to force a love story between two characters who have fewer than ten lines between them. Some how I believe it more than Bella and Edward. Of course, there’s going to be a huge conflict between the Volturi and the Cullen clan and will it be awesome? OH my god, YES!
A fight breaks out that is shockingly cool. Vampires are having their heads ripped open, a crack to the center of the earth is formed and vampires start falling into it, and even some of the series’ main characters are murdered one after another. It’s brutal, it’s violent and it kicks total ass. I’ve never seen so many heads get ripped off or people getting eaten in a PG-13 movie before. Although, as soon as it gets great, the movie pussies out and drops its balls opting for an ending, where in truth, nothing happens. I’m not kidding, literally nothing happens at the end of the movie. The entire fight, the epic nearly twenty minute battle where things come to a head and characters start to die off one by one, is a vision that Alice shows the head of the Volturi, Aro. Upon seeing his own death, Aro walks away as a coward. It is even said that he’ll be back with the Volturi another day.
This isn’t an ending. It’s almost a cliff hanger of sorts. Your Darth Vader turns tail and runs away from the fight? Yes, we see how the fight would have ended up. The Cullens would have won, even with major deaths in their family, and that would be the better story to tell. A happily ever after with no sacrifice means there’s nothing to overcome. Imagine, if the finale of Lord of the Rings was Aragorn marching to the gates of Mordor horribly outnumbered with his army, just to give Frodo some time to drop in the ring. He is ready to sacrifice himself and his army for the greater good. Then the eye of Sauron simply pops up and is like “Hey, I might lose, so let’s just go our separate ways. Okay?” THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED. A good story has conflict and something to overcome. That doesn’t happen here.
Summary: Every chance Breaking Dawn Part 2 has to be something different, off beat, or interesting is dodged. Instead, it becomes this substandard mess of possibilities.
- THE GOOD: You actually get some violence, action and interesting characters, if only for a moment.
- THE BAD: The acting, the pacing, the ACTING.
- THE UGLY: Nothing really happens. In the grand scheme of things, two armies gather and walk away because somebody might get hurt! You’re vampires god damn it! SOME ONE KILL SOME ONE ELSE ALREADY!
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