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EGM’s Best of 2012:
Tobias Bruckner Memorial Awards

By
Posted on December 31, 2012 AT 08:00am

There wasn’t an awful lot about 2002 clunker Turok: Evolution that was particularly memorable, save for the game’s villan—a half-cyborg Southern gentleman-cum-dinosaur general by the name of Tobias Bruckner. With his charming drawl, handsome eyepatch, and inexplicable hatred of Native Americans, ol’ Tobie was handily the most crapulent thing in a game that was positively dripping with crapulence, a new low-water mark in the world of character design.

To commemorate this remarkable failure, EGM established the Tobias Bruckner Memorial Awards, a yearly review of the very worst in gaming. Freed from the twin specters of dino-racism and robo-tyranny, humanity entered a new Golden Age.

Then, in early 2009, something terrible happened. Just a few months before the 7th Annual Tobies were scheduled to be awarded, the EGM crew decided to take a break from the whole magazine thing and focus on their musical careers instead.

It was a rare glimmer of hope for Tobias. He thought he’d outlived us. He thought he might finally fade away into obscurity, free to indulge his dinosaur-loving, antebellum sensibilities in peace. After all these years, he thought he’d won.

He was wrong.

The 2012 Tobias Bruckner Memorial Awards

The “No Such Thing As Bad Publicity” Award
The War Z

Why can’t I hold all these bandages?
In less than six months, War Z dev Hammerpoint Interactive has already managed to get embroiled in several major scandals, including one in which they banned players who spoke out on the the game’s forums, and another where they managed to get the game pulled from Steam by blatantly lying about its features. We’re starting to suspect that they’re being intentionally douchey as some sort of elaborate marketing ploy. At this point, we fully expect the next patch to just replace all the weapon sounds with racial slurs or something.
Happiest Obituary
Nihilistic Software

Now we’ll never get to play Call of Duty: Black Ops: Declassified 2: 2 Ops 2 Furious.
You might say Nihilistic Software’s 2012 went from bad to worse. First, they released Resistance: Burning Skies, which was pretty bad. Then, they launched Call of Duty: Black Ops: Declassified, which was worse—way, way worse. After that, they pretty much gave up altogether, rebranding themselves as “nStigate” and focusing exclusively on mobile games. It’s probably for the best, too; assuming the current trend continued, Nihilistic’s next attempt at making an FPS for the Vita would have literally destroyed the Sun.
Phantom Menace Award for Inevitable Disappointment
Curiosity: What’s Inside the Cube?

 Our guess: the winner gets a tour of Peter Molyneux’s chocolate factory.
Curiosity is essentially the MMORPG version of bubble wrap, loaded with all of the impossible hype you expect from a Peter Molyneux project. According to Pete, what’s hidden inside the cube is “life-changingly amazing by any definition” and destined to make headlines. There are only two options here: A. Peter Molyneux discovered something life-changing and newsworthy and decided hiding it in an iOS game was the best course of action, or B. Peter Molyneux is full of s***. Take your pick, folks.
Outstanding Achievement in Motion Controls
Steel Battalion: Heavy Armor

Like trying to play a harp while wearing boxing gloves.
Thanks to the power of Kinect, Steel Battalion: Heavy Armor managed to deliver one of the most astoundingly realistic simulation games in recent memory. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the mech combat sim that they were shooting for. Nope, instead we got a chilling look into the life of a soldier who suddenly and inexplicably loses the ability to control his hands. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll accidentally flip the self-destruct switch a dozen times before breakfast.
Special Recognition for Putting the “Horror” Back in “Survival Horror”
Amy

It’s also the best hand-holding sim since Ico.
In an age where gaming’s spookiest franchises have been reduced to bicep-flexing quick-time events and Diablo clones, Amy is unashamed to be genuinely terrifying. Of course, these eldritch horrors don’t come from its monsters or jump scares, but from the prospect of actually playing through a game this poorly designed, impossible to control, and generally awful. It’s meta-scary. Oooooh.
Worst Career Move
Cory Davis—Lead Designer, Spec Ops: The Line

Captain Martin Walker, rape victim.
In a post-mortem interview on Spec Ops: The Line, Cory Davis said the game’s multiplayer mode—mandated by publisher 2K—was a “cancerous growth” that “raped” the single-player experience. Yeah, we’re betting he’s not going to be doing too many interviews for the next game he works on.
The “Best Enemies 4ever” Award
The Halo Fanbase
Apparently we gave this man Lou Gehrig’s Disease. EGM’s very own Brandon “Iron Sights” Justice gave Halo 4 a 7 out of 10. Now, that’s a pretty good score—but it wasn’t good enough for the legions of Halo fans out there. Sure, reviews are largely based on personal opinion, but who cares? We disagreed with their views on a game that none of them had played yet, and that meant the only logical course of action was to bombard us with irate comments, emails, and phone calls about how badly we’d ruined their lives. Well, guess what, guys? We’re knocking three points off in our Halo 5 review for the lack of JRPG elements and bowling minigames. Deal with it.

EGMNOW’s Best of 2012 Awards Schedule

Dec
18
Editor’s Choice: Ray Carsillo Dec
19
Editor’s Choice: Josh Harmon
Dec
20
Editor’s Choice: Andrew Fitch Dec
21
Editor’s Choice: Brandon Justice
Dec
22
Editor’s Choice: Eric L. Patterson Dec
23
Editor’s Choice: Chris Holzworth
Dec
24
Editor’s Choice: Matthew Bennett Dec
25
Editor’s Choice: Marc Camron
Dec
26
Best of 2012: #25 ~ #21 Dec
27
Best of 2012: #20 ~ #16
Dec
28
Best of 2012: #15 ~ #11 Dec
29
Best of 2012: #10 ~ #06
Dec
30
EGMNOW’s Best Games of 2012: #05 ~ #01
Dec
31
Tobias Bruckner Memorial Awards

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