Posted on December 31, 2013 AT 12:00pm
Since 2003, EGM has saluted the very worst gaming has to offer with The Tobias Bruckner Memorial Awards for Excellence in the Field of Crapulence, named in honor of Turok: Evolution’s Indian-hating, dinosaur-riding cyborg villain. Every year, we promise Captain Bruckner that if he emcees for us just one more time, we’ll finally free him from the EGM dungeons. Every year, we laugh maniacally as we drag him back to that dank prison, basking in the look of pained betrayal that flashes across his face.
Foolish Tobie, the debt of your creation can never be repaid. It can only be only sated, like some eldritch beast that lurks in the umbra of human failure and feasts upon horrors that make sane men weep. Look upon these nightmares with your sole remaining eye. Gaze into the heart of darkness and despair, knowing you were once wrought from the same tainted blood.
The 2013 Tobias Bruckner Memorial Awards
Hot on the heels of its impressive $9 million Kickstarter campaign, the Ouya was released to record-breaking sales and universal critical acclaim. The open-source console was greeted by legions of eager amateur developers who spit out Minecraft-level hits at a breakneck pace, usurping the tyranny of the major publishers—though even they saw which way the wind was blowing and quickly pledged all of their biggest franchises as lifetime Ouya exclusives. By November, our paradigms were shifted so hard that no one noticed when the Xbox One and PS4 launched.Yep, that’s exactly what we imagine Ouya CEO Julie Uhrman dreams every night before awakening to the crushing weight of her company’s continued irrelevance.
The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct
Ride to Hell: Retribution
Let’s put aside the fact that nearly everyone Retribution protagonist Jake bangs agrees to do the deed because he just beat their abusive boyfriends to death—’cause, you know, the best therapy for battered women is immediate sex with violent strangers—and instead focus on the sex scenes themselves. Each one follows the same basic formula: Jake rubs his gorilla hands all over the girl’s body, his fingers passing through the surface of her breasts. She finds this violation of physics arousing and makes a moaning face, but no sound escapes. Her voice has been stolen by the Elder Gods. The shot fades to Jake rhythmically bumping his crotch against hers, both participants still fully clothed and dead-eyed. He climaxes in silence, ashamed that he’s ruined yet another pair of jeans. And that, kids, is how the EGM Crew became celibate.
The Aliens: Colonial Marines Debacle
EGMNOW’s Best of 2013 Awards Schedule
|Editor’s Choice: Eric L. Patterson||Dec
|Editor’s Choice: Andrew Fitch|
|Editor’s Choice: Ray Carsillo||Dec
|Editor’s Choice: Josh Harmon|
|Editor’s Choice: Chris Holzworth||Dec
|Editor’s Choice: Marc Camron|
|Editor’s Choice: Matthew Bennett|
|Best of 2013: #25 ~ #21||Dec
|Best of 2013: #20 ~ #16|
|Best of 2013: #15 ~ #11||Dec
|Best of 2013: #10 ~ #06|
|EGMNOW’s Best Games of 2013: #05 ~ #01|
|Reader’s Choice: Best of 2013||Dec
|Tobias Bruckner Memorial Awards|
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