Each week, the EGM Staff bring you The Fast Five—in which we choose a topic related in some way to the week’s news, and five editors pick their top answer to the question.
It’s Valentine’s Day! Not only is this a day for those who are already madly in love, but it’s also a day when those looking for love might finally take a chance and ask our their secret crush. Love is in the air—even here at the EGM offices.
If we could spark romance between two videogame characters that have never officially been a couple, who would we pair up and why?
Once you’ve read our responses, let us know what two game characters you’d like to see fall in love in the comments below.
Leon + Ashley
Resident Evil 4 was a heck of a game for me when it came to characters. Not only did you have that bad-ass Ada Wong, but you had Leon S. Kennedy and Ashley Graham. Leon saved me from that walking sack of suck Chris Redfield, and looked damn sharp while doing it. Meanwhile, Ashley Graham was his cute, spunky sidekick who had adorable ears and a killer body. Near the end of the game, you’re certain that love is going to bloom—until Leon totally snubs Ashley’s advances! I respect Leon for being a gentleman in the situation, but his decision has forever haunted me. Writing fanfics and using Garry’s Mod with ripped character models can only satisfy you so much, so I’d love to see them become an official couple!
Mega Man + Tron
Sure, play-it-safe Mega Man canon may pair our hero with boring ol’ blonde mechanic Roll Caskett, but what can she really give him? A wrench and a stupid little dancing robot monkey? (Besides, weren’t Mega Man and Roll supposed to be brother and sister in the original NES games, anyway? Don’t you dare send these two down the Luke-and-Leia route, Capcom!) No, the Blue Bomber needs a lady with some edge to her—and an entire army of Servbots at her disposal! Tron Bonne is the clear choice for any red-blooded pseudo-robot: She’s a pirate, she can build an airship from scratch, and, hey, if Mega Man’s into certain “asphyxiation” fetishes, she’s shown she’s more than capable of satisfying them.
Mark Wahlberg + The Tank
OK, you might think I’m not taking this assignment seriously, that I’m just using the Make My Video FMV games as an excuse to shoehorn in some Mark Wahlberg jokes, but let’s take a moment to analyze the facts. Fact: The Tank (Left 4 Dead) and Funky Bunch–era Wahlberg share the exact same fashion sense—blue jeans on the bottom, nothing on top. Fact: Both men exhibit an obvious love of physical fitness. Fact: As a young man, Wahlberg had rage issues that caused him to beat several people to the verge of death, and the Tank, well, that’s pretty much the only thing he knows how to do. If you ask me, that sounds an awful lot like a recipe for true love.
Cloud + Barret
I’ve long held the belief that the only right pairing in Final Fantasy VII’s Gold Saucer date sequence is the least obvious one. Everyone expects Cloud to ride the gondola with Tifa or Aeris, even Yuffie, but few are brave enough to take Barret by his big, black hands and guide him into the uncharted waters of love. Cloud, wearing the finest in ladies dresses. Barret, dressed to the nines in his sailor’s outfit. Even Barret’s had to have melted when Cloud spared those tiny bird hatchlings along the Mount Corel railroad. No doubt that was the moment he know, at least subconsciously, that he wanted Cloud to show him his Buster Sword. And that big thing on his back? That’s not his Buster Sword.
Chewbacca + Sabertooth…??
I am writing this entry under protest. I’m being forced to come up with some stylized fan-fiction nonsense that will never happen. Who the heck would spend any of their free time thinking of this stuff?! The worst part is when you do start mixing two things that never should belong together it always ends up horribly awful, like Adam Sessler versus Naruto in a WWE ring or, ya know, Kingdom Hearts. I once wrote a fan-fiction pitting Chewbacca from Star Wars against Sabertooth from Marvel’s X-Men and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. DISNEY HAS THEM BOTH AND IT COULD LEGITIMATELY HAPPEN NOW! Words have power, and I’m so sorry for that one. The lesson folks: don’t cross the streams. Only bad things come of it. Like this entry. But if you want to check out my fan-fiction, message me.